Turning up the dial on fun
The moment that I realized that I get to want what I want and therefore create the life that I wanted to live and be excited about, was the moment that I stepped on to the path back to me. I learned what I needed to know to be fun. All I needed to do was turn up the dial.
Today, I will share more of the steps that I took that led to the fun stuff.
I was about 10 months into my separation from my husband and I was still floundering about trying to get control over the life that I had built up to that point. I had given myself about 6 months of inner soul searching time to heal and be alone. But now was the time to play and get myself back out there.
It was just an evening out with friends, being the fifth wheel. We were going to celebrate Halloween and go see a zombie burlesque show. I had no idea what I was about to experience, but they promised it would be fun.
And fun it was!!
The show was inspiring and uplifting. Raucous and bawdy. Oh, and gross. The zombie strip tease was more about removing pieces of flesh in addition to the sexy costumes, so that was too over the top for me.
But I do remember the whisper.
It was a calling to return to the stage. And I told my friends as we rose from our seats at the end of the show, “I’m going to be on that stage.”
I had made a decision, and I had given myself permission to pursue it. Even though I had not a clue how I was going to do it.
The how presented itself to me the following weekend.
I was about 3 months in to my practice of giving myself permission to want what I want. And focus on fun.
I was on a date with a new boy and we went to an event in an up and coming neighborhood. The only fascinating thing about that poorly attended event, was the pole on the stage. A beautiful blonde was demonstrating her skills and I got to speak to her afterwards. Turned out she was teaching a burlesque workshop starting soonly.
I was in awe. I had wanted to find a way, and the way was now here.
Time for even more fun
I joined the workshop immediately. Six weeks to learn how to burlesque and get up on the stage for a show. Perfect!
Over the course of the workshop, we learned about the history of burlesque, how to select music, some stripper moves and how to create costumes from whatever you already have or by thrifting and then embellishing from there. A pretty basic burlesque workshop. But I had more than all the other attendees, I had an entire professional career behind me to call on. And so I did.
All the while, I was still in therapy and sharing about my newfound hobby and the excitement that was brewing.
Of course, my therapist was not new to burlesque. She had been following Dita Von Teese for years and had introduced her to me in this process.
So, determined to find out more about the burlesque world, I dove into research mode. Searching for every video I could find about Dita and began my training.
I watched an interview Dita had done for some YouTube channel or something a few years prior, maybe 2010? But one thing I do remember was when they asked her if she looked this polished all the time.
Her response was somewhat surprising, and of course made sense. Lol
She said that she thought of glamour as a dial. And she could decide in the moment if she was going to turn it all the way up as she does onstage, or down for more quiet moments in her personal life.
Tuning the dial
This sparked an idea in me that every feeling or energy that I exude throughout my experience could be on a dial.
Like FUN: I could really let loose and fall down a rabbit hole of debauchery and care-free living (not really my style, especially as a mama to two girls…) or I could control the dial by tuning it up or down depending on the people I was with and who I was embodying at the moment. By this point my alter ego, Gazella, had already debuted and was ready to take on the world.
Now I really had something to work with.
I could embody two facets: the nurturing Athena or the glamorous Gazella. All that mattered was how high I set the dial. Both facets are inside of me and I have learned to allow each to shine in their own time. I wrote a bit about these two specific facets of me in a blog about these two brands of sexy and how I have learned to work within these two energies in my day to day.
Once I had given Gazella a name and she began to become a dominant part of my identity, I realized that this alter ego had been there all along. Permission hasn’t been granted to come back out and play, yet.
Once I became a mother, She was allowed to play only on special days like holidays or dressing up for Halloween. But Gazella was not allowed to do the rest of the things that Athena got to do. Though she had been the ruling energy in my life when I was shining on that stage during my early twenties. Now it was time to bring her power back into my life and the decisions I made.
This was the realization that made me whole. That the alter ego was in fact really just a part of me that lay dormant until I had summoned her to come forth and share her brilliance in my life again.
Dialed up or down, I am still myself
Contrary to popular belief, I am not embodying Gazella on a daily basis. More on amplifying an alter ego in this post.
By Gazella, I mean the feathery sparkly sensual Showgirl that gets up on the stage and dazzles audiences or the strong, confident and sexy woman that plays with my lover in the bedroom.
Gazella has got it going on. But it can be exhausting to keep up that energy all. the. time.
So I turn the dial back down. But to tune into her, I simply put on a pair of false eyelashes or red lips. Then she can shine a bit, and I can navigate through my day with confidence and power.
Athena is now whole. She just has many facets that get to sparkle when they get to.
What facets of you need some polishing? Comment below to share!
Athena, aka Gazella
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